I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize