found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
