Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize