Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
