Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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