my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
