Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
