16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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