Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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