Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
