I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize