when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize