i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
