I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
