how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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