he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
