I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
