Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
