6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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