If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
