Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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