I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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