i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
