Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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