You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Boobs are out for the taking
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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