he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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