Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
