Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
