we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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