I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
