I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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