glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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