I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
