if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
