I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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