i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
