I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
