we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i think my cat just said my name.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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