Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
