: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
