i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
