I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
