There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
