I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
