Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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