went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
