Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
