So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
