piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
