Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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