Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
