matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I need moral support for this bender
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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