I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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