I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
