I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
