can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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