Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
