my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This baby is an asshole
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
