I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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