he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
